Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage | Al-Anon Family Groups
Such distorted relationships are often found in alcoholic marriages, and .. When my husband was still drinking, this rule saved lots of fights. Love and the Bottle: Can Your Relationship Survive Alcoholism? to remember, however, that you cannot save your partner from alcoholism. Mismatched drinking habits: Can a marriage survive if there's only one teetotaller in the relationship?.
With an addiction landscape there may come a time when you feel that you have exhausted all your avenues in trying to live with your mate's substance abuse issues and your own personal well being is now in danger. You have run out of gas and the only healthy option is to throw in the towel and make a dramatic, earth-shaking move.
Love and the Bottle: Can Your Relationship Survive Alcoholism? | Orlando Recovery Center
With months or even years of weighing this gut-wrenching decision, it can finally culminate from anger to frustration to sheer exhaustion. Either way, you have probably shed buckets of tears, and can't believe that your life has come to this fork in the road.
I know that when I decided to leave my husband because of his out-of-control addictive behavior, I spent what seemed to be a decade of sleepless nights pondering my decision. After all, regardless of his disposition, I did love the man, we had a family and after 20 years had built a life together, but deep down I knew I had to bail. I didn't know who I was anymore and, like someone drowning, I was desperate to grab on to any piece of wood that might allow me reclaim my life.
Despite the excruciating pain I knew would accompany my decision I had to believe it would be better in the long run for myself and my family. I kept in mind that the big picture of making a new life had to outweigh the almost impossibility that maybe tomorrow would be different if I stayed.
I had been down that disappointing road so many times before that I found it helpful to burn those memories in my head as I knew I would call upon them in the future when I felt shaky about my decision. And, here are some reasons that might propel you to make a difficult, but life saving decision: Other than the list mentioned above, people stay in unhealthy relations substantially longer than they should, or know that they should.
It is very hard to blow out the candle in the window that might represent hope, but realistically doesn't.
But I also have that right. I will not let your drinking be the most important thing in my life. Actions speak louder than words. That would be punishing him. I told her that she was the only one who could do anything about her drinking, but that I could take certain steps to see that her drinking would not affect me and our children as far as meals were concerned.
I arranged with a neighbor to come in and cook the dinner. This went on for three weeks, then my wife asked for another chance. Although she still gets drunk nearly every night, now she at least waits until after she has cooked dinner. A very large order, but communication which has these qualities will accomplish several ends: It will confirm our individuality and dignity; the person who hears them cannot mistake their meaning; they carry no residue of regret for unfairness.
Coping with Anger What alcoholism is doing to us gives rise to resentment. Resentment creates anger, and our anger must be dealt with, for our own health and growth.
Married to an Alcoholic? How Long Do You Stay?
Living with an alcoholic can be a frustrating business, producing conflict after conflict. Both before and after sobriety is established, the alcoholic may say and do things that trouble her.
If this self-destructive behavior can continue, no real growth, spiritual or emotional, can be expected.
Otherwise, they can have two undesirable consequences: I thought I was the picture of serenity. It made me so frustrated, so nervous, that I began to take it out on my children.
I realized that I was punishing them for what had been done to me. I knew I would have to find other outlets for these feelings.
She told us what she did about her anger instead of repressing it or venting it on innocent victims. I realize now that I was often the one who started it when he came home drunk.
The result was always the same. I would go out in the backyard and dig. Eventually, I had a nice big patch of ground dug up to plant things in. And for a really satisfying outlet, one member of my group recommended making bread.
Sports like bowling or golf and tennis are great for releasing hostility. In addition to that, concentrating on winning the game keeps our minds free from tormenting thoughts.
Someone suggested to her that she give vent to her verbal explosions in the shower, and she tried it. We may not be able to control how we feel but we can control what we do about it. Bottling up anger destroys our peace of mind and often takes physical form in headaches, backaches, and other discomforts. Anger should be recognized and released as quickly as possible, and without guilt.
We can pave the way for calm, reasonable communication with him only if we first find healthy outlets for our own negative feelings.
So much has been said about communicating in words that we may lose sight of another important element in communication, our attitudes, apart from the words we speak. A simple example might be an irritated spouse with a comment to deliver may hurl it at her husband as she would throw a stone at a dog. But last night I had a slip.
I felt so sorry for him; my first impulse was to comfort him by trying to make light of the whole thing. What should I have done, and what do I do now? When my husband was still drinking, this rule saved lots of fights which could only make things worse.
When It's Time to Leave Your Alcoholic Mate | HuffPost Life
But when he was sober, and real personality problems came into focus, I certainly needed this rule. Anything I might say that seems critical of him as a person would make him react emotionally and defensively. If I have a grievance, I just tell him how I feel about it.
At last, I sat myself down and said: I just state the case without telling him how I think it should be resolved. By leaving the choice up to him, the door is open for a mutual coming to terms with the problem.
I rarely missed a meeting. Then why did it take so long, I wonder, for me to see the light? I have finally realized that I never even accepted Step One!