Ambivalence and the Perfect Answer
But I'm leaving you. already knew: Breakin' up is hard to do, often because feelings of ambivalence persist until the relationship finally dies. Your Ambivalence In Relationships Could Destroy Your Happiness . Today, I am happily married to someone I would never have chosen for myself twenty. When it comes to toxic love and relationships, there are two kinds of people: those who If you vacillate between the two you are an Ambivalent.
I don't think it's ever a good time for an "I'm ambivalent" talk, if it's going to be filled with the content of your Asks relating to this relationship: What can she possibly do about your mehness, the fact that you feel drained by her, your overall lack of enthusiasm about being with her, the fact that her needs are too great a demand for you to meet? I think you do have to decide how you feel. Not to be rough on you, but I think there is a bit of stringing along happening, and it isn't fair.
Own up to what you want. Your fear of being alone, or of being the "bad guy", shouldn't trump anyone's right to be happy, hers or yours. She will be unhappy and sad and probably angry. There's no avoiding that.
Ambivalence in Relationships | The Fix
Do the bad thing, have a breakup talk at Christmas. There's a new year right after that. I agree with people who said you should" break up. One is that you just aren't into her any more. Another is that there is a stressor in the relationship that you guys have been avoiding.
Most likely, IMO, you're just settling into the pattern most long term relationships have. You get used to your mate and so the excitement wears off somewhat. When my SO goes away for work I have a lot of mixed feelings. I miss her very much, but at the same time I very much enjoy the time alone to recharge, at least for the first few days to a week. It is perfectly OK to have some independence from your significant other.
In some ways it is a good and healthy thing that you are OK without her. It is a sign that you are comfortable enough with yourself that there is a good foundation on which to build romantic relationships. Point being that if this question contained all of the relevant details about your relationship, I'd say you are worrying too much and there is no need whatsoever for you to burden her with your hopefully temporary ambivalence.
If it isn't temporary and you know it, you're being a bit of a shit by hoping to have a conversation wherein she either does the breaking up or gives you "permission" to end things. If there isn't some concrete action item that will make things better for you and you are unhappy being in a relationship where you are OK with being apart for short periods of time, just end it.
I don't see what you have described here as being a problem, though. Personally, I'd definitely wait until after Christmas unless you guys really aren't getting along and are constantly bickering and fighting and such. It is perfectly normal in romantic relationships for the feelings to ebb and flow to some degree.
It isn't all high school fuckbunny passion all the time. That said, if there is a long term issue of you both failing to have your needs met by each other and lacking any arrangements for those needs to be met elsewhere, ending the relationship will be in both of your best interests.
Don't stick with your girlfriend to prove you can have a successful long-term relationship. It's not success if you're unhappy. You clearly are trying to reframe some of your negative thoughts about her and your relationship but the way you are thinking about yourself is not healthy.
You are confused and this is a tough situation. Be kind to yourself as well as her. I think if you improve your self-image it's going to be a lot easier to tell what feelings about her are real and which are your anxiety.
Why Do I Feel Ambivalent about My Relationship?
You guys are on totally different pages. You're really not that into her. You can human better by accepting that this relationship has run its course and breaking up with her. I would decide what I want instead of imagining what she wants and tell her.
You are unhappy- which means you are either talking about breaking up or working to fix it. Which do you want? Ok, then tell her. You need to talk to her about this because anything else is deeply deceptive. It's not right to make plans of a move when you feel this way. This sounds like a pretty big issue and not just one you are manufacturing as an excuse to get out of the relationship.
In your shoes, I would be feeling very stressed by the internet problem right about now. If you could separate this out, would you feel differently about the whole thing? I'm sort of guessing no, but if that is really a big part of this, maybe just hold off on the move.
If you think your working life is going to be jeopardized, it's going to affect the whole relationship. But it sounds more like you just don't want to be the one to break up, and while it may well suck, you need to get out.
Before Christmas or after doesn't really matter; do whichever one seems best for the two of you. It doesn't sound like time will imrove things and if you wait, you both will wish you'd done it earlier. Fast forward 20 years - how do you feel about the prospect of the entirety of that time spent with this woman? And that is not a pop at your GF, she is almost certainly someone's soul mate, but be kind to her and yourself.
Sometimes it is not about one person being a dick - but rather incompatibility or misalignment and it is good to remember that it really is okay for you to seek something different for yourself.
Only you can make your life great. And short term heartache and guilt over hurting her is better for both of you, than staying together feeling like you'd wished you had got out and her believing you're crazy about her. That lie - is more damaging than the break up. Cut her loose now and let her enjoy her Christmas with people who love her. The worst break-up I ever had was with a guy who slipped up and told me that the wonderful birthday date he had just given me was because he didn't want to break up with me before my birthday, but it had been over for him before that.
It really hurt to know that he had been pretending. I had felt that something was off but I couldn't tell what, and he was so over the top romantic for my birthday that I felt selfish even questioning what was off. It was all so wrong and shouldn't have happened like that. I would have rather had an honest breakup than a false birthday celebration. Of course this depends on circumstance, but if she will have time off from work, be surrounded by family she actually likes, have lots of neutral distractions during her time off like holiday traditions, and isn't worried about her finances a very common end of year problemthen you can break it off knowing she has a good transition period to work through it emotionally before getting into the nitty gritty of unraveling your lives together, which, if it is an amicable breakup, can safely wait until you have both had distance and get done with efficiency in early January.
Just don't like, dump her via text on Christmas Eve, you know? Whoo-boy, your marriage sounds like it was super dramatic! Part of me wonders if you're attracted to histrionic women and the heightened emotional state they bring along with them, even if that state is negative and causes you stress.
Your current girlfriend does not sound dramatic, are you simply bored with her? All that said, yes, break up with her.
Ambivalence in Relationships
You don't like her and you haven't for awhile so stop stringing her along. Then spend some time being alone and thinking through what you're looking for in a partner and what a long-term healthy relationship would look like to you. A typical, functioning, long-term relationship will never bring you the "excitement" or the false feeling of close connection that your marriage did.
Maybe get that seen to first therapy before making irrevocable relationship decisions? If you're worried that getting therapy means you're sick, don't be. It almost always means instead that you're healthy enough to consider getting a second opinion. OP seems to be attracted to dramatic, controlling women, and should perhaps work on why that is. This breakup could be similar to that of your ex's. It'll suck, and she may try to be manipulative, but you'll feel so much better once it's over.
So, I'm hesitant to label your current girlfriend as some sort of crazed drama queen. There is definitely a type of person that is not prone to drama generally but who can become that way at the beginning of a relationship.
Once the relationship is established, they stabilize. I notice that you don't mention any bad behavior on the part of your girlfriend in this post. Is it possible that you've lost interest now that she feels secure in the relationship and is not acting out emotionally?
It failed because your wife was abusive. If you are still blaming yourself for that breakup and still putting all the burden on yourself to prevent another breakup, you really need some more therapy to get over that or you are never going to have a healthy relationship. Based on what you've written here, you have very different, diametrically opposed needs. Breaking up sucks regardless of when you do it. I'm in the camp of better to get it out of the way so you both can move forward in your lives.
Do it sooner rather than later. Trying to save feelings over the holidays puts you at risk of withholding vital information, which is a bad thing.
If you are certain, just do it. You have been feeling ambivalent about things since at least Februaryby your posting history. You seem to be tying yourself into knots to continue this relationship in order to prove something to yourself or the world at large, and I personally think you should stop doing that.
She doesn't sound like the right fit for you and hasn't for a while. Let go and open up your life and hers! As gently as possible- It is clear to me that a great dea of your problems are at the very least exacerbated by, if not completely caused by, your passive approach to life. If you do not like your girlfriend's behavior, you need to: For instance, about the wireless.
It is clear to me that you tend to stew and avoid, rather than directly lay out our needs. You need to start directly laying out your needs. Break up with her. The one keeping you in this relationship is you. It is clear you feel to some degree victimized, stressed, ignored, etc. But you need to either stand up for yourself verbally, leave, or both.
Take responsibility for the choices you are making in life. This can be anytimebefore the first date, after the first date, after sex, after the subject of commitment comes up. Men are more likely to do this than women, but there are no statistics on this.
Some Ambivalents run hot and cold. They always come on to you when they want sex or companionship. When they become bored or frightened, they begin withholding companionship, sex, affection, anything that makes them feel anxious. If they leave the relationship just once, they are called Saboteurs. They up the stakes with offers of commitment, living together, marriage, children, etc. They rarely keep their promises to change. Some Ambivalents are simultaneously addicted to multiple partners.
Unlike sex addicts, who are trying to avoid bonding altogether, these Ambivalents bond with each of their partners, to one degree or another, even if the romantic liaisons are short-lived. These Ambivalents are often confused with Sex Addicts. Tiger Woods is a good example of this.
I call them Romance Addicts. The most famous kind of Ambivalent is someone who suffers from being a Narcissist. On the surface, the Narcissist appears to be an Avoidant. They turn to manipulation, aggression, and even violence to hold on even though they remain ambivalent.
Simpson was Ambivalent like this. It is a common pattern for Ambivalents to obsess when someone is unavailable and then become ambivalent when a healthy person comes along.